The Grey Matter

 

A couple of days back, I had to go out for dinner with my extended family. Few of them happened to visit a relative or family friend of theirs whom I might have just met once or just know by their name. A member of that family got his leg amputated and his son & daughter in law are staying far from him. The topic of discussion was the daughter in law. She was held responsible for staying away and not looking after her father-in-law. Here I have few questions to raise.

1)     Is only the daughter in law supposed to look after?

2)     Why son is not being blamed here? Just because he is a son or a male or an heir of that family?

3)     Who are we to discuss about others family?

4)    As a "wellwisher" can you make any decision or extend help so that present situation of that family improves?

I just kept listening to this and had no words to utter. But yes, I was irritated because this has been the hot topic for past 2 days. It was being discussed over phone and over the tables throughout the day. I do not know how much truth is behind the story & what made her act so, but would not like to pass any judgement. At least not until I come to know her side of story as well.    

But this triggered back a memory which I had tried to bury somewhere deep in my heart.

I am the eldest child in my family. So, among me & my cousins, I was bit more pampered by my uncles. But when I reached my teenage, all my uncles & my father stopped talking to me directly. If they had to talk to me or leave me any message, they passed it through their respective spouses or through my mother. This may be the reason which brought a shyness in me. They started to talk back after my marriage though. Back at school, I used to talk to boys, but there was no any kinesthetics gestures especially with opposite gender. Even now I cannot hug anybody & everybody however deep the relation is. I can express my love & care through words or by extending help, but not through hugs & touches.

Nowadays I see no gender differences when girls & boys interact with each other. They hug each other, touch each other, and behave normal just like they do with same gender. Even though I am happy to see the change around, I cannot do or practice it myself.

Now coming back to my memory, I could see two people just like in the situation which I started of this blog with - relation between a father-in-law & his daughter in law. I would mention them as Mr.F & Mrs.D respectively. Mr F & Mrs D are closely related to my heart. My feelings for Mr F changed the day I saw him in a situation which I should not have seen, that too during my teenage. This not only changed my feelings for him, but for entire male community. If I cannot forgive him even after few years of his death, how can Mrs D forget & forgive him? It was never consensual; Mr F was trying to force him. And this happened multiple times, because Mrs D remained silent thinking of family reputation, her then 6-year-old son & other blah blah factors. Mrs D’s husband & Mr F’s son was helpless, because the family business in which he was involved was run by Mr D. The people who knew apart from Mrs D & Mr F includes me, my mom & Mrs D’s husband. I have never discussed this with anyone, but I know my mom knows just because I overheard my mom & Mrs D's coversation. I still do not know whether Mrs D told even her own parents and if they know, they are not alive today. This secret will remain buried for ever because of multiple factors. But even if Mrs D chooses to reveal it now, nobody would believe because that was the social status held by Mr F. Even I was in love with that person until the day this happened. It not only changed the feeling for this person alone, but also changed my entire perspective towards relationships & social status.

Keeping the above situation, if Mr F had fallen sick & was left with only son, would you look after Mr F forgetting everything if you were in place of Mrs D? If I were in Mrs D’s shoes, I would never, not even on humanitarian grounds. Yes, may be go for alternatives like arranging for a home nurse or admit him somewhere he would be taken care of. What would you do? Do you think Mrs D did a right thing staying silent? I know Mrs D is being blamed for not looking after her so called father-in-law. But among those who point fingers, how many of them know the bitter truth? She silently takes the blame for that as well apart from the never healing wound she got in the past.

I know another girl who was silenced against sexual abuse, by her own mother stating it would tamper the family reputation & bring shame to her as well thereby affecting her future. So, would her silence bring peace? Would she be able to look into her eyes? What about the person who tried to abuse her? Wouldn’t he take advantage of this and try again with her or someone else too?

Note: Both the incidents are true events. But name & place not mentioned to respect the brave woman’s privacy & silence which they have chosen and trying to move on.