Healthy Relationship

A relation is healthy only when the people in the relationship are given space to grow. If you try to pull it, it will break all the ties and go away just like a kite. Each person in a relationship is equally important. So, for the relationship to sustain, there should be mutual respect, love & open communication. There is a proverb in Malayalam which means “No smell for the jasmine in the front yard”. We do not accept or respect what we have. Instead, we keep yearning to get those things from outside. Everyone needs acceptance for whatever they do or not do irrespective of their age & relation. If you want to be respected, learn to respect others. You will be respected automatically. Instead, of pointing out errors of a person all the time, try to appreciate the good things he/she does. When you point your finger at a person in front of you, remember rest four fingers are pointing towards you. So, before you criticize others, it would be good if you check on yourself first. And moreover, respect is not a thing which can be gained by force. It should come from others heart. If you want to be respected change your deeds, attitude & mind your language. If you are a brother, behave like one. If not, you won’t be respected or even recognized as a brother. Never try to be authoritative. Similar is the case with each & every relation including friendship. Respect & love are the things which cannot be snatched or earned with force. It has to be earned through your deeds.  

In India, people try to impose the relationship & the relationship rules. That's the reason why, today we find many breakups of a family. Relationships are not to be imposed; they are to be felt free. Even a 4year kid needs his own space, time & privacy. That's the main reason why we don't find joint families anymore. If time, space & privacy is given to each individual of a family, there would still be joint family and there is no other blessing than being in a joint family. It is said that, we should keep our minds & heart open to changes & learning even as we grow. When learning stops, the growth of the man stops there. Grandparents expect grandchildren to spend time with earlier. Grandparents treat grandchildren as kids and behaves so. They just keep thinking of relative age, forget about their respective age. So, for grandchildren it feels like being in a forced relationship. They feel suffocated and try to slip away. That's how a relationship ends. As elders of family, if you need respect and time you are not supposed to only dictate rules. You should be willing to explain why and how the rule is and thus convince entire family. Not only that, those rules are to be amended with the time.   

 

  

Womanhood

 

I recently read somewhere that woman is the enemy of another woman. Situations & circumstances sometimes prove it to be true. A woman is good when she is a little girl. She is perfect when she is a young girl. She is perfect when she is a woman. She behaves responsibly as a daughter, wife, sister, mother and as well as in different roles in her career too. But the moment she becomes a mother-in-law all this is changed. I don’t understand what is the power behind that. I have come across various articles in so many years & also lives of woman around also says that its true. A mother-in-law is a woman we have not seen so far as when she was a child or not seen when she was growing up in her career as well. Once a woman become a mother-in-law, she automatically becomes a critic, a lawyer, a pessimistic person and what not. Let me take an example. I knew a woman who was responsible as a wife & a mother. I can’t comment on how she was as a daughter/daughter-in-law as she is very older to me. Being a teacher, she has been a very good guide to many students as well. Many of my friends/relatives are her students. But once she became a mother-in-law, everything seems to her as a race. A race to win over her son’s heart before his wife does. Focusing too much on that idea, she only finds fault in her daughter-in-law. There was a time when she used to advise her own sister to behave nice to sister’s daughter-in-law’s. So, it amuses me the way she behaves to her own daughter-in-law. If we look around, we can find many such examples. 

We have a lot many daily soaps on televisions in various languages. Most of them focus on the ongoing drama between mother-in-law & a daughter-in-law or between two sisters-in-law. I agree that the negative character in those are projected a lot to increase the TRP’s. But we do come across similar woman in our daily lives. These daily soaps are in other way showing things happening around us, but with more drama & masala. But to the core, they are showing the truth.

A man who is a son in law of another house gains respect in his wife’s house. He is welcomed as a special guest. A son as obvious gets treated well in his own house. A daughter is also treated well in her own house. But why a daughter in law is not getting equal respect? In spite of whatever she does, people always criticize her & find faults in her. And after all this you expect her to consider her marital home as her own? Whatever efforts she does is not seen. If at all spoken about it, rest of the world will say as a daughter in law of this house she is expected to do this. What is there to appreciate in? Then you don’t ever have right to criticize either. She too is a human being, not a machine or humanoid to expect zero error. She is reminded of her duties & responsibilities always. But not her rights & capabilities.

Another thing which saddens me is that people always praise for motherhood, her sacrifices and what not. But remember one’s wife is also a woman who acts like a shadow all the time around. A shadow is always there, whether it is seen or not seen. She is also a woman who is torn apart to give birth to your own blood. The sacrifices a woman makes as a wife or a support provided by a wife is always criticized or looked down upon. A man respects the woman who gave birth to him. He respects & showers love upon the woman who is born from you. He even respects, loves & protects the woman born with you. But why not for a woman who is born for you? Is it just because she is not your own blood?

Let me put some light on an another accusation/situation which a woman comes across. Suppose the married son of the family achieves something or does some good thing, the credit goes to his parents, to the nurture they have given, to their prayers and what not. But when the same son, if does some wrong thing, its all because of his wife. So all the nurture, prayers disappeared at that instant?

So, in short what I’m trying to say is, a woman should raise her voice & fight for her rights herself. She doesn’t have to tolerate the injustice at any cost. She should be bold enough to take her own decisions. She might find person supporting her or some might even turn against her. She might find her alone when she starts to fight for herself. But that shouldn’t stop her from raising her voice or acting against them whomsoever it be. She should complete her education at any cost so that she can survive anywhere independently. That’s the reason why I wrote in one of my previous blogs that health, self-respect & education are true treasures of a woman which she has to safeguard at any cost.

Alice In Wonderland

 

Few days back me, my niece and her mom were chit chatting on random topics. Suddenly she mentioned about her project which is based on imagination as well as has to be related to topics she is learning this academic year. The topic was something like how the world would look like after 30 years. That topic kept running in my thoughts and suddenly this came to my mind. It goes like this.

I would be sitting in front of computer, phone or any communicating device chatting with some of my friend/relative who is residing in the other part of this world. Suddenly I will feel like having something which is with her or she will feel like having something which is with me. It can be some book, eatery or craft piece. I would be informing her the same. Suddenly she would connect a device to our communicating device. She would perform some operation like compression (as of now I don’t know what it would be called) on the new device connected and within few minutes of operation/sequence of operation you would get a miniature form of what you wanted which can be sent through the same device to the connected person. The person at the receiving end would now decompress (reverse operation of whatever was done earlier to get the miniature one) and get the original form of the thing which was required.

I know for people who are reading this might think I have gone crazy. But these crazy thoughts are which makes life interesting and moving. Had we ever thought of flying from one part to another part of world until airplanes were invented? Had we ever thought we would be able to communicate (audio & visual) with a person who is living in another part of this world where even the time zone is different? These were all crazy thoughts of some people which have become a reality today.

Patriarch or Feminism

 

Nowadays we come across lot of divorce cases, women living separated etc. And most of us including we women call them feminist, career focused etc. But have we ever thought of what they are going through or why were they forced to live in a situation that they have chosen today? I see most of our elder generation women including my mother, mother in law etc. tolerating all bullying (physical /mental), accusations. They chose/choose to keep quiet thinking that is all part of their life. This can even include lack of education, or some of old generation thoughts like

1. Her marital house is everything once she is married off. So, no matter what she can’t chose to go back to her own parental home.
2. Men are superior to us. They are capable & have right to do anything as they wish. Women are supposed to forgive their men even if it includes cheating on their wives.
3. Women considering themselves weak and they need support of a man for their wellbeing.

A home maker is the one who works selflessly. She is available 24x7. She has time for everyone & everything except for her own. She is not given salary. When she is hurt by other family members, she chooses to keep quiet or rather cry in some corner of the house whenever she is alone. The important decisions of the family are taken in her absence even if it is about her own children. She is the person who comes to know at last. But everyone in the family expects her to be best daughter, best daughter in law, best mother. But nobody considers her as a best friend or sometimes fail to consider that she too is a human being with soft heart. And even when she tries to speak up once in her lifetime she is labelled as feminist.

But women today are very well educated & are financially independent. They speak up for their rights. That’s why they choose to divorce/live separately. Now because of the impact of social media, we all come to know and when we look around, it seems there are a lot of similar cases. Is that the reason why they are called feminist?

I’m not a person who believe that men & women are equal. Each gender has its own importance & significance. Both are required to maintain the balance. A man can only build a house, but it is the woman who make it a home. A man is strong physically, but a woman is strong emotionally. I don’t demand for equal rights, but I just expect her to be respected for who & whatever she is. Nature itself shows the respect towards the gender. It moves forward on reproduction. And for reproduction man & woman are equally required.

My belief is that the reason for all the suffering of a woman is because of the age-old system of patriarchy. The patriarchal system has made us to believe that male is superior. Even most of the crimes against women happening all over India especially northern parts is due to this belief.

Blooming Buds

 

Life is not a race or a competition. We have only one life. So live it to the fullest & allow others too. The most fascinating & amazing part of human life is his/her childhood. Experiences & lessons from childhood make him/her the adult we see later on. Your child is not an estranged wealth (paraya dhan) or old age support system (budhape ki lathi). He/she is not your means to pursue your dreams either. Teach him/her to be a human being. Spend your quality time with him/her for that instead of running behind making his/her life secured. Your time is the most priceless thing which you can gift your kid. Allow him/her to fall and stand up by himself/herself. Your role as a parent is just to make sure that he/she stands up after that fall. That is the best you can do. Just nurture him/her till he/she becomes a responsible adult. Treat your child as a separate individual. Your child is like a creeper plant. He/she just needs support to grow. But the way you support, will be the nature of an adult in him/her.

Let him/her enjoy his/her childhood playing & socializing thereby learning a lot of lessons himself/herself which will help him/her in future. Let him/her be naughty. As a parent, you too sit back and enjoy those moments. Those moments would be gone as they grow up and long before you realize it. Meantime you can find out their interest in the time you spend with them and try to develop that talent without feeling them pressurized. Parents are always right. They choose the right most and best thing for their kid. But my parents went wrong for their kid. Even few of my friend’s parents have gone wrong. So please don’t do that same mistake with your kid. Don’t force them too much on something even if it’s their interest.  Forcing them too much might create aversion rather than a passion. He/she will learn foreign language, programming etc. in later phase of his/her life which he/she has to anyways learn to shape up his/her profession. But building a human being is not possible once he/she grows up. If it is a son teach him to respect others especially woman/girls so that he would not only commit mistakes, but also makes sure others too don’t. And if it is a girl educate her & train her in self defense skills like Karate, Tae Kwon Do etc. Teach him/her to be a compassionate, loving, caring & an empathetic human being. Our world is running short of human beings, not professionals. Punish them when they are wrong or when they behave wrong. But punishment also should be in such a way to make them realize what they did was wrong. Punishment should not be a means to vent out your anger & frustration.

Onapookalam (Flower Carpet) Competition

There used to be a floral carpet competition in our school. When it was introduced in our school, it was a house level competition. The number of participant for each floral competition was 3 and all the 3 should be from same group/house. So if you win this competition, the points will be added to your house. But there can be any number of such groups from a single house. But the very next year this was changed. It was changed into a class wise competition. So each class has to have a floral carpet. we won it for 3 years consecutively. More than winning there are so many small memories which made it worth. Those days’ flowers were collected from each of our houses. We used to collect 5 INR from each student with which all the expenses for the competition were met.  The duration of competition would be 3 hours.

It would start at 9.30 AM & end at 12.30 PM. A group of boys would go and collect the flower from the shop. And another set of boys & girls would start drawing the pre selected design on the floor which is the most tedious process. And that was the most time consuming part of the competition. Those days, we used beetroots too. So they should be peeled & grated. The common flowers used were Yellow & Orange Chrysanthemum (Jamanthi), Pink Oleander (Arali), Jasmine (Mulla), Jungle geranium (Chethipoo), Globe Amaranths (Vadarmalli), Rose, Lotus & Shatavari leaves. Of these Rose & Lotus would be used just to place it in the middle as they were very expensive. Once the flowers were brought, the flowers should be separated to petals. So the remaining set of girls & boys who were left out will form into small separate groups engaging in segregation & separation of petals. There would be music playing around in the class along with the noise of discussion. There would be some having fun fights in between. Once the design on the floor is ready, and then starts the real chaos. Because, that’s when we get an idea on amount of flowers we have. It won’t go with what we had discussed on previous days. So the flower arrangement starts with all such confusions & discussions. And final part which is also equally important is the presentation which would be done last 10 minutes before the end time. It includes cleaning of classroom too after which we are supposed to get out of the classroom and floral carpet ready for valuation of judges. 

Meanwhile there used to be payasam(An Indian dessert made using rice, milk etc) distribution. Most of our students’ lunch for that day would just be that payasam. The results would be declared during the onam celebration part which happens afternoon. There would be different other competitions/cultural activities related to onam festival like tug of war, puli kali etc. And this would be on the last day of our school before onam vacation of 10 days. So it would be a kind of mixed feelings - Happiness of celebration & sadness of separation for next 10 days. 

Long Distance Relationship

I have heard from my friends & relatives that long distance relationships won’t survive. When this proposal came, many of them reminded me of it as well. Recently a friend of mine, who is also a sailor Queen, had posted this thing. That’s when this topic came to my mind. It’s true that there is a hardship in maintaining a long distance relationship. But if you are trying to meet from both ends, it truly is a blessing too. Communication plays an important role in a long distance relationship. But that itself is the main problem in a sailor’s life. No Internet Onboard. But there are email systems in which every single person can read your mail. There is no privacy. But here too our mother tongue helped us. Our mother tongue, Konkani – being a minority language is followed by very less people. So whenever I had to send special messages, I used to type in English. I had to wait for several days for his phone call. (P.S. I can’t make a call even if I wish to make one). That’s when I started to make use of this Email system to its fullest. I used to compose my mail as if I’m writing a diary but with timestamps, and would click send only just a minute before I go to sleep. So there were days when there used to be really long mails. I used to share even a minute details of things happened around me, how I felt that day etc without missing any single detail. Another drawback of this email system is that it is a pure text message which means, you can’t attach any document or photo. Also it has some word limit too. My sailor is a very big fan of Manchester United Football Club. So I used to send him the daily match report. But that single match report has to be sent in 4-5 emails part by part as there was limit in size per mail. Also there shouldn’t be any image or emojis either. But these emails have helped us to build a foundation for our relation. It is through these emails, we started to know each other. His emails would normally end in 2-3 sentences.

Every individual in a relationship has to be given their personal space. People belonging to elder generation find fault in whatever new gen do. But there is a thing which I really like about new gen. New gen couples believe in sharing. Let it be a household chore or parenting or financial or any other matter. There is a mutual respect for each individual rather than for dominance/authoritative. So this long distance relation has helped us in believing sharing & mutual respect. We both discuss together and either of us has never stopped the other from pursuing her/his dream. All the decisions taken (even if it is against my/his will) have been discussed among us. Sometimes, lessons are to be learnt from one’s own experiences/failures. We do have our long night conversations and all of them are not mature or about our future plans. At times, we too become the naughty & mischievous kid hidden in our heart.

There would be lot of love immediately after he returns back from the ship. But the moment it’s time for fight, he will have to join the ship. It doesn’t mean that we don’t fight. Yes, we do. But the fights are also the mode of communication. And the fights are not carried over to next day because there would be another new reason to fight for the next day. 😜

The long distance has also made us realize how much we are dependent/independent on each other. It has made both of us strength as well as weakness for either of us. The long distance relationship is purely based on a trust that whatever may come your way; the other will support you blindly. It gives you time & space for healing, understanding & self development. Also there is no matter of taking for granted in a long distance relationship. And if it’s a sailor in particular, then one can say that you have won a jackpot. He is the one who knows/understands the value of time, effort & hard work. So when a sailor is on vacation, he makes use of every second to its maximum. Even in the midst of his never ending courses & exams.

Treasures of a Woman

 

In India, a girl is grown up always hearing the words that her parental house is never hers. She is the one to be gone after marriage. So never there is feeling of self belonging towards her parental home. Once she is married, she starts considering her husband’s house as hers. But again, here she is made to realize all the time that she has to watch her every step/action/word or else she would be thrown out or outcast from the home. Then how is she expected to consider her husband’s house as her own or people living there as hers when she herself is being considered as the one to be thrown out? Also after marriage, a girl is never expected to be back to her parental home. It is considered as shame for the family. At times, this is what results in suicide of a bride. It may be due to dowry issues or any other physical/mental torture she has been undergoing. So she neither belongs to the house/family where she was born in nor in the family where she is married off to. But let me remind you suicide is not the solution to this.

A woman in her lifetime has to take care of her three wealth.

• Education        
• Self Respect
• Health                  

This can never be snatched by others. So always protect these and never ever lose these. They are our wealth as well as our beauty/treasure. If you don’t have any one of these, remember you will be treated worse than even a servant. Always stand up for yourself. Never expect anybody else to speak up for you. Always stay independent especially financial. Try to earn yourself, how much ever small it is.

 

Life of a Sailor

There is no work that a marine officer cannot do. There is no situation that a marine officer cannot handle. There is no condition that a marine officer cannot live in.

• If you have complaint against your food cooked by your wife/mother, just become a sailor once. You will know the taste of your homely food.
  

• If  you say, you are tired of your job, and then live a life of a sailor once. We work 24x7 without sleep, food and in extreme conditions. The engine room is itself 40° Celsius. It is the work place for a sailor with vibrations, high temperature and noise. The noise are ear deafening. On top of that you have to wear a boiler suit. We use the worst quality of oil and purify it ourselves. In other words, there would be more oil in a body of a mariner than his own blood. 
  

• If you say, you are tired staying at home with your family, be a sailor for once. You will know how to be on ship without your loved ones around. I do miss a lot of important days & functions at home. I’m not able to be with my family when I have to be a strong support to them.
  

• I’m not just an engineer or my job is not confined to a particular department. I’m a plumber, electrician, fire-fighter, police & a doctor onboard.
  

• In this era, have you ever thought of a life without internet or communication? If you are surprised then we the sailors are examples, for whom internet is not a facility/need, it is a luxury.
  

• This is a profession in which you have to attend few courses (mandatory) & give exams after every sail. This happens after every sail unless you want to change your profession or stop sailing. Half the time of your vacation is spent on this. In India, it takes a junior marine engineer 13 written exams & nine oral exams with countless attempts to become a chief engineer along with all the practical sea experience at every rank. Similar is the case with navigation side as well. Each & every exam is conducted by the government and needs to be passed individually. There is no any transparency to this system.    

And this is not a matter of day or two. It is the story of every mariner for half of his life as every year he/she has to sail for at least 6 months. Imagine people there working out at sea for 9 months. And remember there are people who have been sailing for close to 1 year because of the pandemic. And moreover in extreme emergencies related to health, we are airlifted so that we can be admitted to a nearby hospital on land which might be miles away. Let me quote an example which one of my fellow worker faced. His wife was pregnant. So he joined the ship planning to be with her during her last trimester & delivery. But in the middle of his contract, his father in law passed away. Along with that he got a bad news that his father is in last stage of cancer. Juggling with these two responsibilities/shocks, they lost their kid. And he couldn’t be with his wife during this most needed hour. Not only this, there are situations wherein you meet your first born months after delivery. I have been married for 9 years now. But I & my wife have celebrated only 4 anniversaries and 5 birthdays (mine as well as her in total) together. The work & life onboard is not tough because the word tough is mere underestimation of the nature of job. There would be times when you mentally breakdown or feel frustrated onboard. You would feel like you badly need a break/vacation. Even voice of your cries would be carried away by the blowing wind.  

Let me put you in another situation which we come across almost all the time. What would you do when you feel an earthquake? You would run out if you are indoors. It is a situation where you won’t be able to walk or run right? We too experience a severe situation than earthquake which is called rolling & pitching of a vessel. But no one stops working even in that situation. Climbing a normal stair would feel like you are climbing a mountain. You will not be in position to stand straight or even balance yourself from falling either. So can you imagine us working in that situation? Those who have sea sickness/motion sickness, just wrap a polythene cover around their mouth to avoid throwing out and continue to work with that. So no matter what, we have to work with split fingers, swollen legs or even with a fracture. There is no sick leave onboard.

It is the ship which carries everything from one place to another. We at times carry dangerous & flammable chemicals other than food, car etc to different cities of the world. We have to even sometimes pass through piracy areas. Have you ever imagined how would we fight if in case of piracy attacks? When pirates fire bullets at us, we fight them with water. You would be laughing reading this right? Even a 5 year old kid would laugh at it. But that is the truth.

Marriage means responsibility. But it is something we cannot take in our line of work. Imagine for every problem our wives have to take a stand by their own or she has to go to either her parents or mine, what is the point of marriage? It is said that a good communication from both sides is a key behind every relation. The distance already a big problem and the lack of communication makes it worse.

When people around me are surprised of the payment I get, just remember these things. And this is why we are paid high. The payment for a life at sea and for the sacrifices we and our family make.